Corporate life is not about how much you know or how hard you work—it’s about how well you pretend to do those things. Forget meritocracy; the real game is optics, and the best players know that competence is just a well-crafted illusion.
If you’ve ever seen a colleague get promoted while contributing nothing but emails that say “Let’s touch base”, welcome to the magic show that is corporate life. Here are the lesser-known, but highly effective, illusions of competence that make the business world spin.
1. The ‘Pre-Meeting Meeting’ Power Move
The best way to look important without adding value is to insist on a pre-meeting meeting.
✔ Say, “Before we go into the meeting, let’s align on key talking points.”
✔ Invite only a select few, preferably on short notice to create a false sense of urgency.
✔ Make vague, non-committal statements like, “We just need to get ahead of this.”
By the time the real meeting starts, you’ll seem like you’ve been running the show the whole time—even if you don’t fully understand what’s going on.
2. The ‘Decision-Adjacency’ Illusion
Some people make decisions. The real pros just stand near decisions being made and later say, “I was part of that conversation.”
✔ Nod in agreement during important discussions.
✔ Casually drop phrases like “That was my concern as well” after someone else voices a strong opinion.
✔ If a good decision happens, subtly take credit: “I pushed for that direction.”
No one really remembers who came up with the idea. But if you position yourself as part of the process, people will assume you were the genius behind it.
3. The ‘Speaking in Riddles’ Technique
Truly powerful corporate professionals never say anything in clear, direct sentences. Instead, they speak in abstract metaphors that sound profound but mean nothing.
✔ “We need to ensure our strategic north aligns with our operational compass.” (What??)
✔ “It’s not about quick wins, it’s about sustainable momentum.” (Again… what??)
✔ “We must be both the architects and the builders of this initiative.” (So… do something?)
If you speak like a mystical business sage, people will assume you know what you’re talking about—and that’s all that matters.
4. The ‘Overnight Email Sent at 1:52 AM’ Trick
Want to look dedicated without actually working late? Here’s the pro move:
- Schedule an email to send at an absurd hour—something between 1:30 AM and 3:00 AM.
- Make it look like an urgent strategic thought, like “Some quick ideas before tomorrow’s call.”
- Bonus points if you include a half-baked attachment with lots of bullet points and no clear direction.
Everyone will think you’re burning the midnight oil while you’re actually asleep like a sane person.
5. The ‘AI-Generated Brilliance’ Shortcut
Why spend time thinking when AI can do it for you?
✔ Ask ChatGPT to summarize industry trends and paste the response as your own insights.
✔ Use AI to generate reports and just tweak a few sentences for credibility.
✔ Get AI to rephrase the same sentence 10 different ways so you sound deeply intellectual.
Congratulations, you’re now an industry thought leader, and no one has to know that your greatest mentor is a chatbot.
6. The ‘Perpetually Almost-Ready Document’ Play
Here’s a great way to dodge responsibility:
✔ Whenever asked for a report or deliverable, say “I’m finalizing it.”
✔ If pressed further, say “I just need to tighten up a few key insights.”
✔ Repeat until either the request is forgotten or the problem solves itself.
As long as something is “in progress”, you can never be blamed for not delivering it.
Final Thoughts: Master the Art, Not the Work
Forget working harder—work smarter by appearing smarter. The real winners in corporate life aren’t the ones grinding away at spreadsheets; they’re the ones sending cryptic emails, speaking in riddles, and circling back indefinitely.
So, next time you wonder why someone completely incompetent is getting ahead, remember: competence is optional, but illusion is everything.
Disclaimer:
This article is 100% satire and should not be used as a corporate survival guide (unless you enjoy living on the edge of HR violations). Any resemblance to real colleagues, bosses, or that one guy in meetings who always says, “Let’s take this offline,” is purely coincidental (or maybe painfully accurate).
If you actually try these strategies and find yourself mysteriously excluded from email chains or called into a “quick chat” with HR, that’s on you. Meanwhile, the real corporate geniuses will be leveraging synergies and circling back to ensure their next promotion is secured—with zero measurable output
